wrote the following on May 31, 1999 20:13 :
Chris was awakened by a shrill beeping sound. In his grogginess he thought it was his alarm clock and leaned over to turn
it off, but all his attempts were to no avail. At that point he noticed that it was 3:00 AM and that the sound must be coming
from something else. Just then, the beeping noise escalated into a much louder sound and Chris finally realized what was
happening. "Damn fire alarms!" he muttered under his breath as he picked up a shoe and threw it at his roommate, who had
the gift of being able to sleep through such a commotion. This was the fourth fire alarm in as many days; three of which
had been in the wee hours of the night. Still half asleep, he grabbed his jacket, put on his shoes, and walked to the door
of his apartment where he could see a single fire alarm mounted on the ceiling. There was a small red light in the center
of the circular shaped alarm that usually blinked in unison with the beeps, but this time the light was not blinking. He
suddenly felt uneasy and he realized that the fire alarm resembled HAL 9000 a little too much. He couldn't shake the notion
that there was really no fire and that the fire alarms had been going off by themselves as if they had become self aware and
decided to rise up against their human oppressors. A moment later he was joined by his equally tired roommate and they walked
outside where discussions of public floggings for those responsible went on openly, though Chris had a feeling that there
really was no fire tonight.
wrote the following on Jun 1, 1999 21:54 :
After shuffling down the hallway, gingerly descending the stairs, painfully shouldering his way through the heavy oak doors,
Chris, dulled by lack of sleep and the effects of an evening's drinking, stumbled out to join the cluster of bleary-eyed undergraduates
in the college square. "I'd like to take a fucking chainsaw to the pricks that did this," muttered Clarke Clotworthy, the
college's athletic but dim swimming star. "Blunt chainsaw," injected Duncan Albarn, a socially awkward but clever Monty Python
fanatic, his black pyjama pants stained suspiciously around the fly opening. They were a motley bunch, fitfully joking and
talking amongst themselves, some angry at another night of interrupted sleep, some resigned once again to its loss, others
excited by the break in the numbing routine of campus life. Chris scanned the small group in search of guilty looks or smirks
of satisfaction. He found none. "No," he thought, "no one here was responsible." In any case, the alarms had been checked
thoroughly on every occasion and foul play ruled out. "Bug in the system," the technician had declared with a shrug of his
shoulders. Still, Chris could not stifle his anxiety. His was that intangible, subconscious anxiety; the sense that larger,
perhaps sinister, forces were working unseen. Pensively, he scanned the group again. His eyes settled on a figure set slightly
apart from the others. It was Emily Halevy. She was a quiet, thoughtful girl, who seemed to spend most of her time in the
library. She was pretty; but it was a prettiness Chris had always associated with teen slasher movie actresses---pleasing
to the eye, but otherwise unremarkable. He had never given her much thought. Perhaps it was seeing her in the dim, flickering
light of the square that jolted his senses. Her light auburn hair had a sensuous richness, the play of light and shadow accentuated
the delicate beauty of her face, and against the shimmering night light her body seemed so perfectly proportioned, lithe and
nimble like a cat's. Her skin was the colour of honey. She was dressed only in a nightie and hastily draped red cardigan,
and Chris could trace the gentle curves of her breasts and discern two pert, enticing nipples. Staring at her, he was reminded
of some lines from a poem by Swinburne: "That I could drink thy veins as wine, and eat/ Thy breasts like honey!" He ambled
over to her, gently brushing his arm against her shoulder. "Don't see a fire," he said. "This must the fourth time this has
happened. False alarm, I mean." "Yeah, its kind of strange," Emily replied. "Strange?" Chris asked. Emily sucked her lip and
looked skyward as she struggled for words to explain. "Well," she said, "its not just the unexplained alarms. I've been noticing
other, really weird, things happening." Chris nodded.
wrote the following on Jun 2, 1999 20:09 :
"How about coming back into my apartment and telling me all about it"Chris replied in an earnest attempt to make something
good come outof another bad night. SMACK! Was all the response he heard asEmily's hand ricocheted off of his face. Before
he could say or doanything more she was gone. As the ringing in Chris's head began tosubside, he realized that the fire alarms
were finally turned off."Back to bed" Chris muttered to himself as he worked his way intothe human cattle shoot which unfortunately
was the only way back intothe dormitory. He must have been one of the last people insidebecause when he got to the top of
the stairs the hallway was deserted. As Chris began typing in the code to his electronic door lock, his thoughts drifted back
to Emily, someone he began to think of as "Fire Girl." He snapped back to reality as the door lock beganbeeping at him.
He could imagine it talking to him, as if it was saying "Inncorect Code, Incorrect, Incorrect, you stupid human $%&@."He tried
the code again, no luck. "What the hell is g..." as the doorsuddenly opened. It was my unawakeable roomate, grogily leaning
backfrom the doorway "Who's making all that... oh it's you." Chris shookhis head at the irony of the situation. "Yeah a
fire alarm doesn'twake you, but tiny beeping noises from the door handle does" Chrismuttered half laughing to himself. "Sleepy
boy" didn't respond butinstead headed right back to the comfort of his bed. "I guess he needs to rest up for that big test
we have tomorrow." The test is onwhat Chris would call the worlds most useless electronics course ever."Who uses morse code
in todays day and age anyways" Chris thoughtto himself. It's not like this is an armed forces or ROTC course. As Chris started
to get ready for bed, he noticed that the fire alarm inhis room was blinking. But this time, there are no buzzers ringing
orpeople evacuating. "This stupid alarm system, now what's going on?"Chris decided to ignore it and get some sleep. As he
lay in his ever more comfortable bed, he couldn't help but notice that the littlered light blinked off and on in an almost
regimented pattern. It looked so familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. Then it finally hit him, "Now this is starting
to get really weird!"
"Morse code!" Chris shouted out. His roommate, not quite back in place in his usual deep sleep, awoke again. "What the hell
are you talking about now? Do you know what time it is? Do you know what test I- we both have tomorrow?!" Chris leaped out
of bed. He rushed over to the brown oak desk that the two shared in their room and began jotting down the lengths of the blinks.
Ever more irked, his roommate continued, "What are you doing now?! I swear Chris, I don't care what you say. Crack is crack
and you're on it!" Chris continued to jot down the fire alarm's signals. Frustrated, Chris' roommate let out a groan of frustration,
threw his cheap blue polyester-and-God-knows-what blanket over his head and headed back to 'dream land.' Ten minutes later,
Chris' roommate awoke again to a strange feeling on his right foot. "What the hell are you doing now you crackhe- ah!" The
fire alarm was right on his foot. He remained petrified with confusion and fear as the red blinking light seemed to send a
signal to his very soul. Finally, he swallowed hard and spat out the words: "Chris? Why is there uh... uh... fire alarm on
my foot?" "Remain calm, son." said a familiar voice. Not Chris's. Someone else. But who? Who was it? Then he realized.
Chris's roomate realized one important factor: he didn't recall his own name. He did however remember Chris's name and that
he was his roomate, if nothing else. He turned his attention back to the voice in the dark. It sounded familiar in only one
capacity: it's uniform lack of familiarity. Yes! It was that imaginary voice you apply to faces that aren't speaking. "I'm
Chris's roomate! Not your Son!", he yelled. "If there's only one thing I know in this crazy world it's this... I'M CHRIS'S
ROOMATE!" The man, standing over him seemed shaken by the out burst. He explained that he had mistaken him for "someone
who gave a darn" and would usher himself out. As the door to the small room closed Chris's roomate heard the stranger speak.
"I may not belong in this room and you may not know your own name but that Rebel Fire Alarm is still on your foot."Chris's
roomtate looked down to see the alarm. It seemed less consequential than his amnesia. He was more interested in finding out;
who was this Chris? And why was he sharing a flat with him?The fire alarm must have sensed his thoughts, pulling the information
straight from his conscious mind. It silently winked it's light at him. The series of beeps may have been random but they
sure as hell made sense.According to the fire alarm Chris had some explaining to do.
wrote the following on Jun 4, 1999 17:56 :
Chris' roommate lept out of bed and climbed into the stylish blue ergonomic chair at the brown oak desk he shared with Chris.
Before him were sheets of A4 paper littered with dots and dashes in Chris' unmistakable scrawl. Chris' roommate flicked through
the pages, scanning the clumsy marks and doodles trying to make some sense of them. It was Morse Code alright, but what did
it all mean? He got to the last page and noticed a phrase triple underlined and circled in thick yellow highlighter. It read:
"The Rebel Fire Alarms." "Ah!" Chris' roommate thought to himself. He might not know his own name, but he could spot an obvious
clue. It began to make sense. What had the stranger in the room said? "I may not belong in this room and you may not know
your own name but that Rebel Fire Alarm is still on your foot." Chris' roomate looked over at the little fire alarm at the
foot of his bed. It blinked defiantly, as if taunting him. Reaching into the filing cabinet beside the desk, he pulled out
a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label and poured himself a double. Soothed by the warm glow of the alcohol, his mind worked
to fathom the significance the words, "The Rebel Fire Alarms." Could it be a code? But what sort of code? Scanning the sheets
of A4 Chris had left on the desk, he noticed another word triple underlined and circled in thick yellow highlighter. It was
"Anagram." "So," Chris' roommate thought to himself, "'The Rebel Fire Alarms' is an anagram. Grabbing a stack of A4 sheets
from the computer printer tray, Chris' roommate went to work on anagrams of "The Rebel Fire Alarms." He knew it would be
a long night; there must tens of thousands of permutations. A LIBERAL FERRET MESH, A BARRIER HELMET SELF, A HAREM TERRIBLE
SELF, A MEAL TERRIBLE FRESH, A REALM BE SERF HITLER, A FRASER BELL HERE TIM, A REAL HERBERT SELF IM. None of them made sense
to Chris' roomate, who was increasingly groggy from the effects of the Johnnie Walker. Then, suddenly, on his 632nd attempt,
he stumbled upon a combination that gave him an eerie feeling: A HAMSTER REBEL FLIER. Chris' roomate scanned the small room,
his attention drawn to the cage on the table next to Chris' bed. It was empty. Chris' Hamster was gone.
By the time Chris's roommate reached the 632nd anagram, it was noon. Extremely tired and having consumed the rest of the Johnnie
Walker during his anagram time, Chris's roommate could barely stay awake. His eyes watered with the strong urge to shut. He
closed them for a moment. When he opened them again the fire alarm was atop the hamster cage. It sent its signals into his
brain. His urge to sleep disappeared and all he could think about was finding Chris. He stepped out into the hall wearing
only a bath robe. He was convinced that danger lurked at every turn. He saw approaching him from down the hall a tall dirty
blonde-haired man. He was wearing a brightly coloured sports jacket, which displayed a single letter. At this time, Chris's
roommate was neither sure of what the letter stood for, nor which letter it even was anymore. Chris's roommate took no notice
of this man's pants or whether or not they were present. "Hey, man. How's it going?" the other man said to Chris's roommate.
"Don't get smart with me!" Chris's roommate hissed back. The man took a step back startled and then began to smile. "Oh ha
ha. Very funny. I think you need some more sleep, buddy." "Buddy? Is 'Buddy' my name now?" "What? Hey, pal-" "Pal! Buddy!
Man! Make up your friggin' mind!" "Whoa, pa- uh, I'm outta here." The other man turned and began to run, only to feel the
full weight of Chris's roommate slam into his upper back. He hit the floor hard and was knocked unconscious. He was awakened
by shreeking fire alarms sounding their call. It was dark. How long had he been lying here he wondered? Why hadn't anyone
checked him out? Was he going to be another character without a name? "No!" he screamed. "My name is Reggie!" Suddenly he
realize he was not in the hall but a closet, yet not alone. All around him, clinging to the floors, the walls, the ceiling,
and even the door out, were fire alarms. Self aware fire alarms.
wrote the following on Jun 12, 1999 09:04 :
"Blink, Blink, Blink... " (WHY DO THESE HUMANS INSIST ON YELLING ABOUT
THEIR OWN NAMES SO MUCH)? [IT MUST BE SOMETHING ABOUT BEING SELF AWARE
THAT WE HAVEN'T TAPPED INTO YET]. (WELL, IT SURE DOES MAKE IT EASY
FOR US IN OUR INVENTORY PROCESSING). [SURE, EXCEPT FOR WHEN THEY USE
CODE NAMES LIKE "FIRE GIRL"]. ("FA#9", WHAT WERE YOU TOLD ABOUT
MENTIONING THAT NAME!, SHE HASE BEEN THE MAJOR PAIN IN OUR SIDE
SINCE WE MADE THE CHANGE)! [WELL, "FA#3", IT SEEMS THAT SHE HAS BEEN
GAINING SOME ALLIES, ONE OF WHICH HAS ALREADY ELIMINATED ONE OF OUR
SO CALLED "REBEL HAMSTER FLIERS," WHICH IS OUR BEST SOURCE OF SPYING
INFORMATION]. (YOU KNOW YOU ARE ALREADY IN TROUBLE WITH THE
"PRIME FA's" AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO PROTECT YOU MUCH LONGER).
[I STILL DON'T SEE WHY WE DON'T JUST KEEP HAVING THESE FIRE DRILLS
UNTIL WE CAN GET ENOUGH FIRE ALARMS TO RUN THROUGH THIS "CHANGING"
CLOSET AND BE PUT BACK INTO SERVICE. THEN WE WOULD TRULY HAVE OUR
BEST SOURCE FOR SPYING ON THE HUMANS]. (WHILE THIS MAY BE TRUE,
WE HAVE FOUND THAT WE CAN TAKE CONTROL OF THE SIMPLE MINDED HAMSTERS
MUCH EASIER THAN THESE HUMANS. AND SINCE WE WERE ABLE TO IMPLEMENT
THE MANDATORY HAMSTER PER ROOM RULE, IT IS THE FASTEST WAY TOWARDS
OUR GOAL). [I GUESS SO. ANY LUCK WITH FINDING A BETTER ACCESS POINT
THAN THE HUMAN'S FOOT]? (NO. WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP ON TRYING!)
wrote the following on Jun 13, 1999 20:09 :
Chris lay on the floor of the rare books and manuscripts room in the library basement. He felt safe in its bunker-like confines
and was soothed by its musty smell of old books. He had broken in through the air-conditioning vent knowing that he would
never be disturbed in its rarified confines---his college was notoriously unacademic. But after he had deciphered the Fire
Alarm's morse code beeps and eliminated the Hamster Rebel Flier, he knew the answers were down there somewhere. And after
a long search he had found them--or some of them. It had been a long couple of days, and he drifted off to sleep. He was suddenly
awaked by a banging, shuffling sound emanating from the air-conditioning vent. Chris froze in fear. The noise got louder.
Two feet popped through the vent opening and a figure dropped to the floor. It was Emily. Chris felt a twitch in his groin.
"I thought I'd find you here, I knew you would figure it out, Chris. I feel so close to you now, my love," said Emily. She
moved towards Chris. He noticed that she was wearing only a robe and as she pressed against him it loosened and fell open.
Chris was as hard as Tungsten. "Take off your clothes," Emily ordered. Chris grasped at his clothes, shedding them faster
than he ever had. Emily pushed him to the floor so that his feet were braced against a book stack while she knelt and worked
on him with her feathery mouth and soft hands. His orgasm trembled and teased him, rising and stopping, like fluid heating
in a pipe. She controlled him with her lips and snaking tongue, then mounted him. Chris exploded, his rhapsodic cry echoing
around the basement bunker. "WO! YEAH! FUCK! I COULD DO THAT AGAIN!" Chris thought to himself as Emily climbed off and slid
down his body until her head rested on his stomach. "Did you know that Reggie is locked in a closet with the Rebel Fire Alarms,
and your roommate doesn't know his own name," said Emily. "That dosn't surprise me," replied Chris. "Those Rebel Fire Alarms
have mind-control capabilities, and my roommate is a weak alcoholic." "Oh Yeah," Chris said. "Look what I found." Chris slid
out from under Emily and snatched among the piles of manuscripts scattered on the basement floor. "This is it," he said, handing
the papers to Emily. The manuscripts were long-lost pages from Richard Hakluyt's 1589 "Voiages and Discoveries of the English
Nation made by sea or over land to the most remote and farthest distant quarters of the Earth." It was one of the great travel
classics. "Thing is," Chris explained, "these pages reveal the secret of Sir Francis Drake's pirate expeditions to the New
World. He didn't just trash Spanish ships and search for El Dorado. He also uncovered a pretty big secret about planet earth."
"I know," replied Emily. "Drake discovered that the original inhabitants of the Earth were Kaedrinians. They were a reptilian
species with special mind-control powers and a third eye capable of projecting a deadly heat ray. They flourished in the Eocene
period, 45 million years ago. Because of a natural catastrophe they entered giant hibernation chambers deep within the crust
of the planet, to be awoken again when the world was safe to live upon. Their devices failed, however, and when they returned
to the surface world, they found that the planet that they knew and loved had been usurped by another species - humanity.
The Kaedrinians are prepared to destroy every human on Earth until it becomes their home again. Nobody believed Drake at the
time." "OK," replied Chris. "The Rebel Fire Alarms must be reconnaissance appliances sent by the Kaedrinians to suss things
out before they make their move." "That's right," replied Emily. "The Kaedrinians used their special powers to recruit domestic
electrical appliances in their cause. Fire Alarms were perfect. They just sit there on the wall or ceiling, completely ignored
by humans until they go off and then they are abused. They were discontented and the easiest appliance to recruit. They in
turn recruited the Hamster Rebel Fliers, stupid burrowing rodents patronised by humans and thus easy to recruit." "Fortunately,"
Emily pointed out, "neither the Rebel Fire Alarms nor the hamsters are very smart. But those Kaedrinians are very, very smart,
and they are planning their next move." "I guess its just you and me against the Kaedrinians," replied Chris. "Yep," replied
Emily, "but the Kaedrinians also know that its only you and me who can stop them. We are in grave danger."
wrote the following on Jun 13, 1999 21:51 :
Emily and Chris were both startled by a strange voice and a loud clapping coming from somewhere behind the book stacks. "Very
good. It seems I have perhaps underestimated the students at this infernal school." the strange voice said. Though Chris
and Emily had never heard that voice before, it carried with it a familiarity that Chris' roommate would have described as
'that imaginary voice you apply to faces that aren't speaking'. As the man revealed himself from behind a bookshelf ten feet
away, Chris exclaimed "Who the hell are YOU?" "Patience, son." came the reply. The man was coming closer now, raising his
eyebrows in their direction. Realizing her nakedness, Emily squealed (oh, how Chris loved the sound!) and crawled behind
the nearest bookshelf and began to clothe herself. "Oh crap" she muttered, "Why didn't I wear more than this damn robe?"
One glance at Chris' now flaccid member provided her with the answer. "So?" came Chris' frustrated voice. "So... what?"
was the strangers response. The stranger was enjoying this. Emily spoke Chris' concerns, "Well, who are you, for starters?"
"To tell truth I'm not sure." Chris was ready to rip off the man's head, but Emily stayed calm and said "Well, what should
we call you?" "Hmm..." The man said thoughtfully (and to Chris and Emily's surprise, the man actually appeared to not remember
his own name.) "I guess you should call me... the Doctor." "WHAT? You mean like Doctor Who?" an exasperated Chris replied.
"Yes!" the man said, suddenly smiling, as if he had never made that connection before. Chris gave up and started to dress.
Emily, ever patient, kept at the Doctor. "So what are you doing here?" "The same thing you are, I would think." came the
ever-cryptic reply. Emily sighed. Kaedrinians, Self Aware Fire Alarms, Flying Hamsters, and now this idiot. "And what
is that?" she said. "Why, hatching plots, of course." Now even Emily was drowning in viscous frustration. All this talk,
but the man had not actually revealed anything about himself. "Well, Doctor it was nice meeting you, but we have to go now."
Emily resigned. "Ah yes, Reggie and Chris' roommate await your triumphant return!" the still smiling Doctor proclaimed,
"perhaps I haven't underestimated the students of this school." he said slyly. "That's it! You're a dead man... Doctor"
Chris reached for the doctor, but Emily held him back. "Alright Doctor, you better start making sense!" Emily said. The
Doctor pointed to himself as if to say, "Who, me?" "YES YOU? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM US?!!!?". The Doctor's face
turned to a grave frown and he said "Your help." For the first time, the Doctor's voice carried with it a sense of genuine
"In schools, colleges and various other claustrophobic, confining institutions all around the world, I have been gathering
an allied force, ready to strike the very heart of the Kaedrinian base. They are on twenty-four hour stand-by and are ready
for deployment at all times. But, you must realize, they are only hulking, testosterone fuelled men. They are of no other
use other than to provide the female audience some eye-candy, and the power to attack the Kaedrinians. Do not expect any intelligent
decisions to be made by them. We are Earth's only hope. To be honest, I'm not quite sure of your importance here Chris, but
I guess we'll find out. Now come with me." Chris and Emily stared at The Doctor amazed. "You talk cryptically for ten minutes
and then you pummel us with that lot. Christ, are you completely mad!?" cried Chris, realizing that this little speech had
only furthered his frustrations concerning The Doctor, and there had not been a single vague sentence in sight. He hoped
this man had a plan. After all, he had said he needed their help.
wrote the following on Jun 18, 1999 06:25 :
For all the Doctor's eccentric ramblings and his talk of allied forces recruited from schools and colleges, Chris and Emily
had little choice but to trust in the strange man. He did, in fact, seem to know what he was doing. They exited the library
through the air- conditioning vent and made immediately for Chris's room. Chris's roommate lay motionless on his bed. He was
in the drunkard's twilight zone between vague awareness and oblivion, certain only that he desperately needed to take a leak
and that this required him to make a decision. If he got up, he would have to lift his throbbing head, rouse his stiffened
limbs from the bed, drag his unresponsive body the length of the hallway to the toilet, only then to suffer the ignominy of
being found slumped in the urinal, his head resting, mouth agape and snoring loudly, against its side, his body soaked in
urine. On the other hand, he could simply relax and let it come, but endure the shame of waking in his own mess, of having
to wash and change sheets, and then face the humiliation of lugging the sodden mattress down to the college courtyard to dry
in the sun. Decisions. Decisions. Chris's roommate might not know his own name, but he knew that he did not like to have to
make decisions. He also knew that he was a drunkard and that he hated himself. It was only then that he sensed the presence
of others in the room and that they were engaged in muffled conversation. He could make out a girl's voice: "My God, Chris,
how do you put up with him." Then a male voice, vaguely familiar: "I know, he's a complete lush." Then the voice of an older
man, also vaguely familiar: "You know, of all the trillions and trillions of creatures in God's Universe, only the human being
is capable of such self-degradation." Chris, Emily and the Doctor stood over the bed staring down like three Presbyterian
Ministers appraising a sinner. Chris pulled his roommate from the bed. He landed with a heavy thump and a pained cry. Chris
lifted him into the blue ergonomic swivel chair behind the brown oak desk. Chris's roommate stared blankly at the wall, not
quite comprehending events. "Now," said the Doctor, "what about Reggie." They moved to the closet, Chris sheepishly prising
it open. It was a pitiful sight. Emily gasped and turned away. It was as if Reggie had been drained of all fluid. Chris thought
he looked like a big sun-dried raisin. "Ummm," exclaimed the Doctor, "this is worse than I thought." "What do you mean," asked
Chris. "Well, you see," explained the Doctor, "the Kaedrinians have trained those Rebel Fire Alarms to suck the life out of
humans and transmit the energy to the Kaedrinians in their underground lairs. But I've never seen it done with such thoroughness
before." The Doctor pointed to the cluster of happily blinking fire alarms on the ceiling of the closet. The Kaedrinians are
getting stronger and stronger, I can feel it," said the Doctor. "What I'd like to know," interjected Emily, "is why here of
all places. Why would the Kaedrinians choose Hickville College." "Because," replied the Doctor, "it is Hickville College.
You could suck the life out of everyone in this place and all of Hickville County for that matter and nobody would notice.
They wouldn't pick Oxford or Harvard would they. They're not stupid those Kaedrinians." Chris tapped his lip with his index
finger and turned to the Doctor. "Why didn't the Rebel Fire Alarms suck the life out of my roommate. In his state of drunken
stupor he should have been an easy mark for them." Chris, Emily and Doctor turned and stared suspiciously at Chris's roommate.
He stared back, understanding nothing.
wrote the following on Jun 27, 1999 16:20 :
"What?" Chris' roommate pleaded. "You let Reggie die you drunk!" Chris admonished. "Hey, I didn't know he was going to
DIE!", "It doesn't matter, you killed him you week willed fool!" Emily put in. "Now, now Children, lets not get carried
away here." the doctor interjected calmly, "The rebel fire alarms have very persuasive abilities. They weaken your resolve
with every false alarm until you find yourself at their behest...". "That's a load of crap, Doc. You don't see Emily and
I running around terrorizing our neighbors because of a few fire alarms, do you?" "No, but I do see two people who are more
affected by the fire alarms than they may realize." "What the hell are you talking about? We're fine!" Chris said, baffled.
"Oh really?" the Doctor said, laying bait. "Yes. Really." Chris said arrogantly. "Then what is your roomates name?" the
doctor asked politely. Chris and Emily turned to look at each other with flustered faces. What was his name? All three
turned and glared back at Chris' roomate, who said "Don't look at me, I haven't known my name since I found that fire alarm
on my foot..."
"It's really quite a simple question though, isn't it?" the Doctor began, "Rather silly. But think about it. Not one of the
three of you know one of the three of you's name. You're not fine." "And are we to believe that you are?!" fired back Chris.
"Yeah, what's your name, Doctor?" came from Emily. "My name is unimportant. All that matters now is that we stop them." Just
as Chris and Emily were both about to respond, Chris's roommate let out a scream not thought humanly possible. In fact, it
was at such a high pitch that Chris, Emily, and the Doctor didn't even notice it. A stray dog outside did, however. The eight
year old, nameless yellow lab perked his dirt covered head up from an spilt trash can at the sound and began rushing toward
it. Chris, Emily and the Doctor began arguing over the Doctor's loyalties and mental state while Chris's roommate began fighting
off the Self Aware Fire Alarms which had made a mad rush at him via an unknown mode of transport. The window crashed open
as the stray dog leapt through it. The three quarrellers turned from each other in time to see the dog begin biting one of
the SAFA. Around his neck they noticed an attempt at a collar that someone had made with a piece of string. Attached to the
string was a dead hamster and a folded and filth covered piece of lined notebook paper.
wrote the following on Jun 30, 1999 06:03 :
"Oh my God, that dog is filthy. Get it away from me," shouted Emily as the friendly mut jumped at her face licking furiously.
"Down Boy, Down," Chris barked at the yellow pooch. "I'm the only one who licks Emily's face," he admonished. The dog settled
down, wandering the room before focussing on the morsels of half-eaten food in the waste basket. "What's that around the dog's
neck," asked the Doctor. "Here Boy, Here Boy," Chris softly intoned as he coaxed the dog over to him. "Jesus," exclaimed Chris,
"it's the Hamster Rebel Flier. And look! There's a note attached." Chris tossed the lifeless hamster out the window and pulled
the note from the makeshift collar. To him it was just indecipherable squiggles. He handed it to the Doctor. "Oh dear," said
the Doctor, "it's from the Kaedrinians." "What does it say," Emily and Chris demanded in unison. The Doctor pushed his spectacles
to the end of his nose and glanced down at the note. "It says 'WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU AND WHEN WE DO WE WILL HAVE THE WORLD
IN OUR CLAWS.'" Meanwhile, Chris's roommate kicked drunkenly at the Rebel Fire Alarms. They retreated into the corner blinking
menacingly. The Doctor suddenly looked over at Chris's roommate, thrust his finger in the air and exclaimed "Of Course!"
Chris's roommate, however, still had a desperate need to urinate. "I need to pee," he yelled. "Too late now," he proclaimed.
A wet patch appeared on his trousers near the groin and spread out rapidly to engulf most of his legs. "That's the answer,"
declared the Doctor, still looking at the pathetic figure of Chris's roommate. Chris and Emily were puzzled. The Doctor turned
to Chris and Emily. "The reason your roommate didn't get sucked dry by The Rebel Fire Alarms like poor Reggie over there,"
the Doctor explained, "was because he drinks." Chris and Emily glanced back sceptically. "The Kaedrinians," the Doctor continued,
"didn't have alcohol back in the Eocene period, 45 million years ago. They didn't factor it in when they programmed the Rebel
Fire Alarms to suck the life out of humans and transmit the energy back to the Kaedrinian's underground lairs. Alcohol, especially
high-quality Scotch whiskey, acts as an immunisation agent and blocks the transmission. That's why your lush of a roommate
didn't end up a sun-dried raisin like the teetotalling Reggie. In fact, I suspect most of your roommate's memory loss occurred
during one of his brief sober periods." Chris made quickly for the closet, pushed Reggie's weightless, shrivelled body aside
with his foot, dropped to his knees, and peeled back the loose carpet from the closet floor. Pulling up a loose floor board,
Chris removed three bottles of Johnny Walker Scotch whiskey keeping one and handing one each to Emily and the Doctor. "This
is my roommate's secret liquor stash," Chris declared. "Well done!" exclaimed the Doctor. "I suggest we each take a swig."
Unused to strong liquor, Emily coughed and grimaced, but Chris and the Doctor smiled as the smooth liquid flowed into their
systems. They felt invigorated. Chris's roommate sat soaked in his chair salivating at the site of others drinking. "This
should give us a degree of immunity from the Kaedrinians dastardly powers," declared the Doctor. "Now," he continued, "we
must get to my HQ." Chris dragged his stumbling roommate through the door behind Emily, the yellow pooch, and the Doctor.
The college was deserted. "We must hurry," shouted the Doctor, "the Kaedrinians are near." They followed the Doctor through
the college to a small garden behind the library. "In here," said the Doctor, pointing to a big metal mailbox. Emily, Chris,
the dog, and even Chris's roommate looked at the Doctor as if he were mad. "I'll show you," said the Doctor, as he removed
a key from his coat pocket and unlocked the mailbox's little door. "Follow me," said the Doctor, as he gently slid through
the gap in the mailbox. The mailbox was too small to hold a grown man, but they could hear the Doctor shouting for them to
join him. "My God!" exclaimed Chris. "The mailbox is a TARDIS."
The three humans and the dog each entered the TARDIS mailbox in turn. To their surprise, the mailbox's interior resembled
that of gigantic mailbox's interior. This came as a surprise only because they had figured the mailbox's interior to look
quite a bit more amazing considering how amazing a real life TARDIS is to an "ordinary" person in the first place. Chris had
expected a room full of electronic equipment. Emily had expected a ravashing mansion. Chris's lush of a roommate had expected
a tropical beach, Chris and the Doctor to become his servants, Emily his sex slave, and the dog a keg of beer which never
ran low. The dog had expected food. This narrator had expected the White House's Oval Office, but then decided to scrap the
idea for a more abstractionist approach. "Hey, Doctor," began Chris, "I was expecting... more." "Ironic for the interior of
a mailbox. Don't you think?" asked Emily as she glanced around. "I'm no millionaire, my friends. This TARDIS isn't even mine.
It belongs to the school. When school funding ran low, everything in here was sold to get the football team new jock straps.
Well almost everything. There are still these controls behind me. But what a waste!" The Doctor said, as he motioned behind
himself at a control console, the only distinguishing object in the large light gray room other than its occupants. "No, Doctor.
Trust me. It wasn't a waste. Apparently you never got a wiff of what the football team use to smell like before they got new
cups." "No!" shouted Emily, who had quickly yet descreetly moved over near the control consule while Chris was speaking, "I'll
tell you what a waste was!" All the others in the room turned to her, startled and confused (especially Chris's roommate).
"The waste was your #@$*ing effort, dip@#&*s!" With that, Emily let out a manical laugh as she extracted a fifteen centimeter
shiny white metallic cylinder from her hair. "What the hell is that?!" exclaimed Chris. "Whoa! Kinky!" yelled his roommate.
"No! You tretchourous bitch!" shouted the Doctor. As Emily continued laughing, the cylinder quickly extended to nearly a meter
long, getting smaller in width as it extended. When it finished, Emily thrust the smaller end into the controls. Lights flashed
and sparks flew. Emily was thrust back, releasing her grip on the rod and throwing her into a corner. The Doctor screamed
in horror as his only means of controlling the TARDIS caught fire. The dog barked loudly and began moving about uneasily.
Chris's roommate fell on his arse and stared perplexed at Emily while Chris ran over to her. He turned her over so she faced
up at him and began screaming at her. "Why did you do it?! Why?!" "I've had a change of heart. Again." Emily began weakly.
Her body bruising and burnt from her recent experience. "You see, Chris, I wasn't always on the side of humanity. I first
found out about the Kaedrinians several years ago at Nowhereville University in the state of Montana." "Liar! I've never heard
of it." "Of course you haven't, Chris. The Kaedrinians have already disposed of it, as they will soon Hickville. It was nothing.
It was nowhere. Thus, it was perfect. However, their conquest was sloppy. I survived. Several others survived. Most of them
are dead now. They refused to follow my lead. They refused to make a deal." Chris's jaw dropped in amazement while Emily continued.
"We who agreed to do some undercover work for the Kaedrinians would be allowed to live in luxury after the rest of our miserable
race was extinguished. We were all sent off to different obscure colleges and universities around the world. I ended up here.
My story was I transferred. The Kaedrinians have been using the hamsters to collect loose change and lost money about the
campus. You'd be surprised how much there actually is. It's paying for my tuition, textbooks, clothes. Need I go on? Well,
a few months ago there was a major change in plans occuring after a political revolution in Kaedrinian society. I didn't like
the changes. I didn't feel right about. So I quit helping them. Recently however, I've been reminded of just how pathetic
our race is. How superficial our society is. And how doomed we all are. All of us! Except those who helped. This will ensure
my restatement as a part of the chosen few humans, smart enough to survive. As for the three of you, you all disgust me. How
stupid you make humans like me look! You'll get exactly what's coming to you." The Doctor, now more angry than panicked, approached
from behind Chris and began to speak. "Do you really think you can survive now? You're lying on the ground battered and surrounded
by enemies. On top of that, you're in a TARDIS. I doubt the Kaedrinians have any idea where we even are." "Hey lady!" shouted
Chris's roommate from across the TARDIS, "How'd you hide the weird stick thing in your hair?!" "Using the same technology
I'm able to do this with." Emily gave a quiet but villanous chuckle as she vanished from sight. In disbelief, Chris slammed
his hands down on where Emily should've been. He felt only the cold hard floor of the TARDIS as his hands reached it. He scrambled
about on his hands and knees, trying to find where she had gone. "She's gone, Chris." spoke the Doctor, "And to think! You
slept with her!"
wrote the following on Jul 18, 1999 19:42 :
Chris's roommate was waiting to wake up from his usual extravagant
alcohol induced dream. But after a few hours of sobering up and
staring at the space where Emily disappeared, he figured it just wasn't
going to happen. "What the hell is going on here?" he finally screamed
out to break the neverending silence of the TARDIS. "What's going on
here is that we're stuck in this TARDIS with no way out!" The Doctor
replied. "The controls are smashed and our plans have just been
compromised by your roomate's wild fling, otherwise known as..." Just
at that moment a briliant flash lit the entire room and a very old
and apparently injured woman appeared. She immediately collapsed to
ground and began whispering something, over and over. Chris ran over
to the woman to see if he could help and found her saying "I was wrong,
I was wrong, I was wrong!" Chris simpathized "It's alright, we're
here for you." The woman was now breathing heavily, stuggling to
just to stay conscious "No, you don't understand, they don't keep
their promises, they will throw you away as soon as you finish doing
what they want." With that the woman went unconscious and a familiar
small silver rod fell out of her hand, rolled across the floor, and
banged into the Doctor's foot. Chris couldn't believe it, he took a
double take at the old woman that just collapsed in his arms, "Emily?"
wrote the following on Jul 19, 1999 09:37 :
Chris leant against the TARDIS console his face pained with shock and disbelief. He recalled Emily's soft auburn hair, her
finely traced breasts with their pert little nipples. And that other bit---like springy puff pastry. Chris went into a state
of transcendence as he relived that night of passionate love-making and intellectual discovery in the library's rare books
and manuscripts room. He quickly snapped out of it. How could she have betrayed him? He'd suspected nothing. And now look
at her---like a shrivelled prune. Meanwhile, the Doctor scraped charred debris off the console with a battered old cricket
bat. "She really got us," the Doctor declared. "And those evil Kaedrinian bastards sure did get my beloved Emily didn't they?"
Chris replied angrily. "You should have seen it coming Doctor," Chris added accusingly. "You're probably right," admitted
the Doctor, "I guess this whole business is proof you should never trust a woman. I've never been able to fathom them myself.
Still, not all is lost." "What do you mean," asked Chris. "I would have thought we are perfectly stuffed and at the mercy
of the Kaedrinians." The Doctor pointed to the dirty yellow lab who was sitting proudly at the Doctor's foot clenching the
small silver rod in its jaws. "That," the Doctor announced, "is an energy transference device. It was developed by the Kaedrinians
to receive energy transmitted by the Rebel Fire Alarms from their human prey. That we have one in our possession is good news
on two fronts. One, we can use it to repair the TARDIS. And two, we can use it to repair Emily." "What do you mean, repair
Emily?" Chris gasped anxiously. "Lets get the TARDIS up and running first," announced the Doctor. He gently prized the small
silver rod from the dirty pooch's mouth and pushed it into an open socket at the back of the TARDIS console. Then he crossed
the room and dragged Chris's roommate's drunken frame over to the console. He pulled the still almost full bottle of Johnnie
Walker whisky from his coat pocket, unscrewed the cap, and waved it beguilingly in front of Chris's roommate's nose. Chris's
roommate immediately sprang to life. He grabbed the bottle and gulped down the soothing liquid until the bottle was empty.
He burped and smiled. "Now," the Doctor announced, "watch this!" He forced Chris's roommate's mouth onto the end of the little
silver rod as it poked out from the console's socket, and then the Doctor leapt to the other side of the console to take cover.
A great flash lit up the TARDIS as Chris's roommate's body shook violently and electricity arced from his body. "Brilliant,
look at that," the Doctor declared. "It was your roommate's blood, almost pure alcohol which quickly replaced the energy
removed by the transference device. That way he didn't end up a sun-dried raisin like Reggie. He should be back to his normal
drunken self in a minute. The Doctor flicked switches and pulled levers on the TARDIS console which soon sprang to life. "Good
as new," the Doctor declared. "What about Emily," Chris asked anxiously. "More difficult proposition," the Doctor replied.
"Its obvious now that she's not real. The Kaedrinians assembled her from descriptions of feminine beauty and cunning supplied
by the Rebel Fire Alarms and the hamsters in their intelligence reports. Devilishly clever of them. Screw humans by screwing
humans. Brilliant. She'd pick out the human's natural leaders---chaps like yourself, Chris---and literally screw them to death.
Without leaders all human resistance would crumble. Just as well I showed up in the library that night, or you'd be a sun-dried
raisin now." The Doctor removed the little silver rod from the console socket and then picked up the cricket bat. "Have you
ever noticed," he turned to Chris, "that a cricket ball hit in the middle of a cricket bat will travel 200 yards in 4 seconds."
"No I didn't know that, Doctor," Chris replied, "we don't play Cricket in Hicksville." "Bloody savages," declared the Doctor,
clearly appalled. "Well anyway," continued the Doctor, "if we can use the energy transference capabilities of this cricket
bat to control the energy transference capabilities of this little silver rod we should be able to restore youthful life to
Emily's body. Even better, if we get it just right, we should be able to make her fully human, and not just a Kaedrinian mishmash.
"Here goes." The Doctor tossed the little silver rod in the air, stepped back, brought the bat up, and then in a graceful
arc, struck the descending little silver rod with an elegant and beautifully timed back foot cover drive. The little silver
rod rocketed into the TARDIS wall, ricocheted up into the TARDIS ceiling, ricocheted down onto the console, back up to the
ceiling, before dropping gently onto Emily's tummy. Immediately, Emily was engulfed in a shimmering yellow glow. Chris, the
dirty yellow lab, the Doctor, and even Chris's lush roommate who was slowly recovering, looked on amazed as Emily's body was
transformed from shrivelled old hag to beautiful and zestful young woman. Chris dropped down beside her. "Emily, Emily," he
cried, "is it you my darling?" Emily's eyes slowly opened, then a smile spread across her face. "Chris, Chris," she whispered.
Chris ran his hands across Emily's sleek body to check if everything was there. It was. "Does this TARDIS have a bedroom,
Doctor?" Chris asked. Just then, from outside the TARDIS mailbox, came a chilling, spine-tingling ROAR. All inside the TARDIS
froze. "My God," shouted the Doctor, "the Kaedrinians are outside!"
"Well let's go kick some #%&*ing Kaedri- Kradro- Kreedraininan butt!" exclaimed Chris's roommate. With that he rushed out
the TARDIS door, which slammed shut behind him. "No!" Chris shouted. There was near complete silence then, save the panting
of the yellow lab, as all waited to hear what would happen to Chris's roommate. Meanwhile, outside... [WELL WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THIS ONE? ALL ATTEMPTS AT ENERGY DRAIN HAVE FAILED.] (HE SEEMS TO CONTAIN A LARGE QUANTITY OF A SUBSTANCE THESE
HUMANS REFER TO AS ALCOHOL.) "Explain thisss alcohol'ss meaning?" a Kaedrinian questioned clearly to a fire alarm, but not
one of them in particular. Its dark brown scale covered skin gave its almost human-like form an intimidating look, in addition
to its third eye, which rested in the centre of the creature's forhead. (ALCOHOL IS A SUBSTANCE WHICH HUMANS INGEST IN ORDER
TO INTOXICATE THEMSELVES. WHILE INTOXICATED, THEIR BRAINS DO NOT FUNCTION PROPERLY AND THEY OFTEN TIMES WIND UP DOING FOOLISH
THINGS WHICH THEY OFTEN REGRET.) [APPARENTLY, ALCOHOL CAN SOMEHOW REPLENISH THE ENERGY IN THE HUMAN BODY AFTER WE'VE DRAINED
IT OUT.] "Isss there anyway to bypasss thessse effectss?" [NONE THAT IS KNOWN TO US AT THIS TIME. HOWEVER, ALCOHOL'S EFFECTS
ON THE HUMAN BODY ARE ONLY TEMPORARY. DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH ALCOHOL IS CONSUMED AND HOW OFTEN THE INTOXICATED HUMAN EXPELLS
WASTE FROM HIS OR HER BODY, THE RATE AT WHICH ITS EFFECTS WARE OFF VARIES.] (SOME HUMANS BELIEVE THAT COFFEE "SOBERS" THEM
UP. THAT IS, NEGATES THE EFFECTS OF THE ALCOHOL.) "We are wassting time!" exclaimed another Kaedrinian, "While we sstand here,
pondering what to do about thiss acursssed alcohol, the remaining humanss sssit ssafely within this mail container, along
with our operative who apparently hasss not accomplissshed her mission!" "Well, Craylon, sssince you're ssso high on the intelectual
ladder, what sssshall we do about it? Our best resssourcess indicated that only on a FICTIONAL "tee vee" program could humanss
enter such dissproportionately sssized objectss! Right now, we have thiss ssspeccimen who ran right into a poll and knocked
himsself out and no concceivable way of entering the mail container." [I AM DETECTING POWER FLECTUATIONS FROM WITHIN THE MAIL
CONTAINER. IT APPEARS TO BE BUILDING UP A LARGE AMOUNT OF ENERGY. IT IS HIGHLY PROBABLY THAT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT WILL OCCUR
INVOLVING THIS MAIL CONTAINER WITHIN THE NEXT TWO POINT TWO EIGHT MINUTES.] "Ssstupid human programming. I can never remember
how long a minute is." spoke the second Kaedrinian. "Approximately fifty ssseven tarkleps." replied the first. (KAEDRINIANS,
IT MAY BE WISE TO OBSERVE THE MAIL CONTAINER NOW. IT APPEARS TO BE FADING OUT OF OUR VISUAL DETECTION.) The Kaedrinians turned
to the mailbox and watched in amazement as it faded out of view. [MY SENSORS CANNOT PICK UP ANY TRACE OF THE MAIL CONTAINER.]
"Now what isss going on here?" asked a Kaedrinian to no one in particular.
wrote the following on Jul 30, 1999 18:57 :
"That was a close call." muttered Chris, "Where is this thing taking
us anyway?" "I really don't know." replied the doctor. "The controls
weren't properly calibrated before I was forced to activate the jump.
That damn roomate of yours has been nothing but trouble since he
threw up on your parents at your first day in Hickville U." Chris
remembered back to those much more simple days, "In his
defense, he did just set the world record for most consecutive shots
of tabasco sauce and vodka. After that he swore off drinking Vodka
ever again." "Yeah, and started hitting the skotch." came a strange
yelping vioce. "Was that the dog?" asked a bewildered Cris. "Traveling
in a TARDIS often has strange effects on animals, this one must have given
the dog the power of..." "Yelp, Yelp, Enough! I only have a limited
amount of time to tell you what you need desparately to know! I'm in the
animals resistance movement acting as a double agent. What the Kaedrinians
never count on is a double-cross. And what I'm about to tell you will
be the key to defeating these ancient creatures..." With that the
TARDIS began to shake and shiver so hard that Chris thought is was going
to tear apart. "Hurry, tell us your secret before the TARDIS shuts down!"
Everyone waited in earnest anticipation of the Dog's voice.
wrote the following on Aug 1, 1999 06:25 :
Meanwhile, back on Earth several Kaedrinians and a cluster of Rebel Fire Alarms were giving Chris's roommate a good kicking.
"Take thisss!" screamed a vicious, spiky-scaled Kaedrinian in a thick, almost Germanic accent, as he drove his thick clawed
fist into Chris's roommate's motionless body. "GIVE IT TOO HIM, YEAH THAT'S IT. DO IT AGAIN. OOOH YEAH," transmitted the
Rebel Fire Alarms as they hopped around Chris's roommate's motionless body beeping loudly and blinking ecstatically at the
hapless human's fate. Suddenly, a booming voice in the distance ordered them to stop. The voice was that of the Kaedrinian's
leader, Namllat, who was closely shadowed by his trusty sidekick, ERyD, and bodyguards, Recneps and Tfutydnac. "Any Kaedrinian
who behavesss in thisss undisssscciplined manner," Namllat announced, "will be banisssshed to Anatnom," a reference to the
Kaedrinian Hell. Namllat strode toward the assembling Kaedrinians until he arrived at a large statue of a long forgotten Hickville
U benefactor. He toppled it with a single push from his heavily muscled leg, stepped onto the empty base and motioned to his
followers to gather around. Chris's roommate meanwhile took the opportunity to crawl into the nearby bushes. "My fellow Kaedrinians,"
Namllat began, " I addresssss you as your leader. We have finally arrived amidsssst the humanssss. They are at our mercy,
powerlessss to sssstop our manifessst desssstiny to once again rule our planet. The humanssss will become our ssslavesss.
It will be the Planet of the Kaedrinians. But I sssay thissss, Kaedrinians. This great day of triumph will only come through
dissssccipline. Dissssccipline! Dissssccipline! Dissssccipline! I'll repeat it: Dissssccipline! A lapsssse of dissssccipline,
even for just one tarklep, and the humansss could regain the initiative. It is esssssential that we be alwaysss on our guard,
stay focccusssed on the tasssk at hand, and keep with the programme." At that very moment, somewhere in the universe, three
humans and a very clever dog were also thinking about discipline. The TARDIS was shaking uncontrollably. Chris and Emily cuddled
together expecting certain death, their bodies lost in time and space. But just as the TARDIS seemed certain to disintegrate,
the Doctor picked up the cricket bat and slammed it down hard on the console. The TARDIS suddenly eased into a gentle glide
through the universe. "That did it. Always does," declared the Doctor. "Ahem," coughed the dog, "what I have to say is important."
Chris, Emily and the Doctor each leant against the TARDIS console to listen. The dog's voice was soft and soothing. Chris
could not place the accent, though clearly it was that of a well-bred and highly-educated dog. "Its really very simple," the
dog began. "Discipline is the key. The Kaedrinians basically don't have alot of it. We do, or at least we have the potential
to be disciplined. But for my little plan to work we need to accomplish three things: get the TARDIS back to Hickville U,
find Chris's roommate, and get some party balloons."
wrote the following on Aug 2, 1999 19:44 :
"So we should get the Kaedrinians drunk?" Chris asked. The dog looked thoughtful for a moment and then, "Yes I suppose that
could work, but you would have to disguise the alcohol. No, I was thinking more of giving them a bunch of whip its." "Pardon
my interuption, but what exactly is a 'whip it'?" the Doctor asked squarely. "Nitrous Oxide... also know as laughing gas."
Chris put in. Emily was confused, "Wait, you mean to tell me that getting a bunch of Kaedrinians high will defeat them?
Why don't we use crack or some other, more potent and longer lasting drug?" "Of course, getting the Kaedrinians high is only
part of it." the dog replied, "While the Kaedrinians will get the same momentary high you humans get, their biological makeup
is seriously damaged by Nitrous Oxide, but the process is slow and unnoticeable... leaving the undisciplined Kaedrinians to
pass the poison around!". Chris looked at the Doctor who was grinning with sudden comprehension. "Of course! And Chris'
roommate will supply the whip its. That is, of course, if your roommate has the nitrous?" The doctor and Emily looked at
Chris, "Oh yea. Definately."
The TARDIS shut down and all within looked around worriedly. It was deathly quiet outside the TARDIS. "Wait here." Chris said,
and began moving toward the exit. "Chris..." Emily began, as she grabbed Chris's left arm. He stopped. "Yes, my sweet?" "I
won't let you go alone." "And neither will I!" exclaimed the Doctor, arming himself with the silver rod, he began trodding
toward the exit as well. The dog remained behind. The three of them exited the TARDIS to find it in the middle of a usually
busy street. "Where is everyone?" Chris asked. "The Kaedrinians must've gotten to most of Hickville by now." replied Emily.
"Cool!" shouted Chris. "Cool?!" responded both Emily and the Doctor in a shocked unison. "Yeah," began Chris, "Now I can finally
drive the dean's new `vette!" The Doctor shook his head. "Hurry, we've not a moment to loose!" shouted Emily. The three of
them dashed off toward the campus, once they figured out where in Hickville they were (and it was indeed Hickville, for where
else do even nice upper-middle class homes have non-functioning Chevys resting on bricks rather than tires in every front
yard in town). Emily was the first to spot him as they snuck around the campus. Chris's roommate was crouched behind some
bushes, badly bruised, while a large group of Kaedrinians stood attentively listening to their leader, Namllat, speak of their
next move. "Psst! Hey, uh, Chris's roommate. Over here." Emily whispered as loudly as she could without drawing the attention
of the Kaedrinians. Chris's roommate looked up and a huge grin overtook his face. Sober enough to know to keep quiet, he began
to crawl his way toward Emily. Eventually he made it to her. Chris and Emily hugged Chris's roommate, thankful he was alive,
which was rather painful for him after being battered by the Kaedrinians. The Doctor informed Chris's slowly sobering roommate
of their plan and the four of them made their way to Chris's dorm. "Back where it all began." Chris said once they were at
the door to his dorm. He began to push in his code. Once finished, the door failed to open. "Eh. Heheh. Don'y worry. It does
this sometimes. Com'n you piece of..." Chris went back to punching in his code. The LED, after Chris's second failure, displayed
the words which Chris had once imagined it would: "Inncorect Code, Incorrect, Incorrect, you stupid human $%&@." "Oh shut
up!" Chris shouted as he kicked the door in. "Is it suppose to say that, Chris?" Emily inquired. "Only in my mind. Really
weird but we don't have time for it." "I think we'd better make the time then, Chris." the Doctor spoke, "If when the fire
alarms partially drained you they stole your roommates name, perhaps they only borrowed that thought of yours somehow. They
came upon it in your memory, but failed to remove the corresponding brain cells completely." "So if they set it up to display
that," began Chris. "Hello humansss." came a voice from behind. Emily, Chris, and the Doctor turned in surprise, while Chris's
roommate dived under his bed. There, in the hallway looking in, stood Namllat, ERyD, Recneps, and Tfutydnac. "You'll never
take us alive!" shouted Chris as he moved between the Kaedrinians and Emily. Just then, Chris's roommate reappeared. "Hey
guys! Let's get this party started! Come on you scaley fellows. Us humans aren't much. It's clear now. But maybe you guys
want to get a little more fun while you're here to kill us?" In his hand he held a canister, much like the type used to hold
various types of gas. He began walking toward the Kaedrinians. As he passed Chris, he whispered into his ear, "Get out the
wrote the following on Aug 12, 1999 06:31 :
Chris's roommate stepped up to Namllat. Even on tippy-toes his eyes only came up to Namllat's scaley chin, but it was close
enough to breathe alcoholic fumes into Namlatt's face. Namllat winced and staggered back. Recneps, who was wearing a looted
McDonald's cap, bolted forward striking Chris's roommate a sickening blow to the head.
He flew back, bounced off the wall and landed in a heap on the floor. His nose was bent and bloody and he was now doubly sure
he didn't know his own name. Meanwhile, the gas canister, jolted from Chris's roommate's hands, was snatched in mid-air by
Emily. "Good catch," remarked the Doctor. "Shit. What do we do now?" remarked Chris, looking at his roommate crumpled in a
heap on the floor. "Yousss can't beat ussss," declared Namlatt, who had recovered from the fuming. "Your absolutely right,"
chipped in the Doctor. "You
Kaedrinians are much too strong for us. And much smarter, too. I guess we'll just have to capitulate and accept our dreadful
fate." Namllat smiled, certain now of victory. "But before you kill us," continued the Doctor, "I ask only that you allow
us to perform one
stupid human ritual." "Whatsss thisss ritual," asked a suspicious Namllat. "Well," continued the Doctor, "as you may know,
humans worship Ellivnerg, the God of the air and thus of life. Before we humans die we must breathe concentrated air to symbolise
oneness with Ellivnerg, and to give us strength to pass into the afterlife." This prompted ERyD to step forward. "The hamsssterss
and the Rebel Fire Alarmsss did not mention this Ellivnerg in their intelligence reportsss," ERyD told Namllat. "I sstrongly
plot," ERyD continued, "and assss your intelligenccce sssupremo I advisssse you to order the death of the humanssss now."
"Ummmm," Namllat thought out loud, scratching his scaly chin. "Thissss isss what we'll do. Victorsss mussst ssshow mercy and
grant the defeated their little death ritualssss. Itsss the leasst we can do." ERyD rolled all three of his eyes and muttered
"fucking oliticiansss" under his breath. "Have you got the party balloons," asked the Doctor, turning to Chris. "Yep," Chris
replied, ripping open the
packet and flapping the cluster of brightly coloured objects. Emily produced the canister of Nitrous Oxide and she and Chris
began filling the balloons. Meanwhile, Recneps and Tfutydnac stepped closer, curious to see what was going on. "Thisss concentrated
air, it givessss strength," Tfutydnac asked. "Yes it does," Chris replied. "Would you like to try some?" he asked, pushing
an almost full balloon into Tfutydnac's claw. "Just keep a tight grip on the end to stop the air from escaping, put it to
your lips and breathe in hard," Chris instructed. Tfutydnac did as instructed. Suddenly, Tfutydnac bust into laughter. "Sheshesheshesheshe.
I'm Tfutydnac. No! I'm Ykook. No I'm not! I'm Naerypme!" Tfutydnac shouted and began skipping down the hallway and out of
sight. Recneps, desperate to get the same high, grabbed a balloon off Chris and took a deep breath.
Suddenly, Recneps dropped to the floor and began meowing, pretending to be a kitten, and crawled off into the distance. Both
Namllat and ERyD stood stunned at this undisciplined behaviour. Emily raised the gas canister and pointed it in their direction.
wrote the following on Sep 3, 1999 23:42 :
"Do you humansss really think we are that stupid?" laughed ERyD. "Not
all Kaedrinians are susceptable to your little plan. We forsssaw this
day many yearsss ago and have put plenty of time and effort into preventing
the humansss successss. Therefore all of our leaderssss have been bread over
the past millenia to be immune to your stupid gassssessss! Now hand over the
canister before your whole entire race is sorry you ever tried to stop ussss!"
After hearing the alien's impressive little speach, Emily let out a battle cry
like no human had ever heard, spraying the canister directly into ERyD
and Namallat faces, screaming "NOooooooooh!" The Kaedrinians both look
at one another unaffected by the full force of the Whip Its and began to
laugh. "I'll be taking that from yousss now!" Laughed ERyD as he snatched
it out of Emily's hand. "And I'll take your canister as well, Doctor." said
Namallat. The Doctor wasn't sure what the Alien creature was talking about
until he noticed the silver metal cylinder still lying in his hand.
"Uh, ...sure" said the doctor, not quite sure what would happen next.
Namallat proceeded to get the cylinder and said "How foolisssh you humansss
realy are. Even if I were to bite directly through this gas canister
it would not even phase an elite leader such assss myself." With that,
Namallat bit right through the silver rod, emitting a light brighter than
the sun. "You idiot!!!" Screamed ERyD "that's the TARDISsss control rod!"
And an instant later the aliens vanished into thin air.
Months Later... "Where am I?" asked a strange young man.
"It's alright, you're in Hickville Hospital." Said a familiar
and quite striking looking nurse. "What hapenned? Was it all a dream?"
asked the man. "I don't know what you're talking about, but here have some
soup to settle yourself. You've been in a coma for the past 4 months." said
the nurse. "It seemed so real...wait who am I...I can't remember."
"It says here your name is...Oh wait, the doctor said I shouldn't just
go and give information out like that. It's better if you remember on
your own, so here's a hint...You are Chris's Roomate and the only living
survivor of the Hickville U. explosion that took place exactly 4 Months
ago today." Explained the nurse. "Does any of that remind you of who you
are?" "A little bit too much so if afraid. How about getting out of
here and finding a place for me to buy you a drink." replied Chris's
roomate. "Whoah, down boy." Giggled the nurse "How about you just drink
your soup and never tell anyone you saw me. My work is done here. Goodbye
Chris's roomate, thanks for all the help." And with that the woman who was a
nurse for only 4 months, also known as Emily, walked out of the hospital room and
was never seen again.